The Force of Family Dynamics

                             

                         Henri Matisse, The Dance, 1909

Many of us struggling with codependency in our relationships grew up in a family system affected by addictive behaviors such as: substance abuse, gambling, overeating, etc.  These behaviors helped to shape the dynamics of our family relationships.  A dynamic involves how two or more people act and react to one another and its purpose is to enable the system and those in it to survive.  It can look something like Matisse’s painting, The Dance, in which each person connects to the other, creating a whole that moves continuously with collective energy.  One can feel the momentum of Matisse’s dancers as it carries the dancers around and around within a circular force.  The force of family dynamics can move us along in a similar way and we can get swept up in them without being fully aware of our role in the system.

Each family member takes on a specific role with all of the roles, ultimately, working together to create balance.  This balance or ‘homeostasis’ is achieved when each member fulfills his/her role.  Any change or shift in the fulfillment of a role causes upset in the entire family system.  In some cases, all members are able to adjust accordingly, a new dance ensues, and the system survives.  In other cases, where there is dysfunction, the dance ends and the system falls apart.  Addiction within the family greatly diminishes its ability to make adjustments.  If the dynamic that has been established allows the addiction to exist, then any change in that dynamic disrupts the addiction.  The addicted person becomes distressed and balance is lost.
Notice the dancer in the foreground of Matisse’s painting who is holding on to the circle at the same time she has let go.  As she stretches out her arm as far as it will go and leans to the left, it looks as though she may lose her balance and stumble outside the circle completely. This describes visually what happens to many of us who become ‘stuck’ in our role, then begin to work on ourselves, to heal, and to make healthier decisions. At the same time we yearn for self-knowledge, self-acceptance and self-love, we fear a loss of connection.  We may feel like that dancer- as if we are losing our grip on what we know, which is our established role in the family. 
It is so important to remind ourselves that we are each responsible for our own happiness and fulfillment in life.  Our actions toward this goal may trigger negative responses from family members. They may feel threatened or anxious about the upset of balance.  We must know that we can let that go and allow others to take responsibility for their own emotions.  This is the practice of healthy detachment.

May we all find the courage and inspiration to dance our own dance- one that allows us to experience happiness and fulfillment in our relationships.