LIving a Half- Life Part 2

       Yoko Ono, Half-A-Room, 1967

For many of us, struggling with codependency is a familiar way of life.  It is how we know to function in a relationship.  This makes it difficult to step outside the relationship and look in so that we might recognize challenges to our selfhood. 

Here are some questions to explore:

Do I avoid going places by myself?  If I do go somewhere by myself are my thoughts/actions directed toward the person not present?  (For example, texting, leaving voice messages)

Do I feel a sense of guilt just thinking about engaging in an activity by myself that would help me to develop a new talent, gain knowledge, learn a new skill, etc?

After I engage in an activity that fulfills my own needs/wants do I then do something for the other person as a way to ‘make up’ for taking care of myself?

Do I experience emotional discomfort/anxiety when my ideas, opinions, perspectives, contrast with the other person’s?

Have connections outside my primary relationship diminished in quality and/or quantity?

The purpose of these questions is not to beat ourselves up or to blame others.  By simply asking them, we are taking that courageous step which marks the beginning of any journey toward self-change- BECOMING SELF-AWARE.

In the next chapter, we will explore how to begin to make small changes in our relationship that support ‘wholeness’.

Living a Half-Life Part 1

Yoko Ono, Half-A-Room, 1967

For many of us struggling with codependency, the concept of ‘wholeness’ can seem unfamiliar and out of reach.  Living as a ‘whole’ person means continually working toward developing our natural talents, abilities, and interests/passions, essentially, nurturing those things that inspire/motivate us. This can be greatly hindered by our primary relationship- i.e. spouse, partner, etc.  In a codependent relationship, it is common to become so preoccupied and in-tune with the other person’s needs/wants that our own sense of self diminishes.  It is, as if, without the presence of the other person, we exist as ‘half a person’. 

When we are out with others, engaging in a creative activity, or at school/work, it can feel as if our thoughts/attention is split.  Half of our energy is directed toward what is in the here and now and the other half is preoccupied with the other person who is not present.  Others may even point out to us that it is as if we are there, but not really there.  As a result, we may then begin to limit our time spent with those outside our primary relationship.  Gradually, our primary relationship becomes our only relationship. In addition, if we are not used to doing things without the other person, then we may avoid engaging in solitary activities, thus further limiting opportunities to develop our selfhood. 

Living life as ‘half a person’ can create all kinds of uncomfortable emotions such as:

Anxiety

Guilt

Anger/Frustration

Depression

Resentment

In the next chapter, we will ask ourselves specific questions in order to fully understand how being ‘half a person’ impacts our everyday life.