The Force of Family Dynamics

                             

                         Henri Matisse, The Dance, 1909

Many of us struggling with codependency in our relationships grew up in a family system affected by addictive behaviors such as: substance abuse, gambling, overeating, etc.  These behaviors helped to shape the dynamics of our family relationships.  A dynamic involves how two or more people act and react to one another and its purpose is to enable the system and those in it to survive.  It can look something like Matisse’s painting, The Dance, in which each person connects to the other, creating a whole that moves continuously with collective energy.  One can feel the momentum of Matisse’s dancers as it carries the dancers around and around within a circular force.  The force of family dynamics can move us along in a similar way and we can get swept up in them without being fully aware of our role in the system.

Each family member takes on a specific role with all of the roles, ultimately, working together to create balance.  This balance or ‘homeostasis’ is achieved when each member fulfills his/her role.  Any change or shift in the fulfillment of a role causes upset in the entire family system.  In some cases, all members are able to adjust accordingly, a new dance ensues, and the system survives.  In other cases, where there is dysfunction, the dance ends and the system falls apart.  Addiction within the family greatly diminishes its ability to make adjustments.  If the dynamic that has been established allows the addiction to exist, then any change in that dynamic disrupts the addiction.  The addicted person becomes distressed and balance is lost.
Notice the dancer in the foreground of Matisse’s painting who is holding on to the circle at the same time she has let go.  As she stretches out her arm as far as it will go and leans to the left, it looks as though she may lose her balance and stumble outside the circle completely. This describes visually what happens to many of us who become ‘stuck’ in our role, then begin to work on ourselves, to heal, and to make healthier decisions. At the same time we yearn for self-knowledge, self-acceptance and self-love, we fear a loss of connection.  We may feel like that dancer- as if we are losing our grip on what we know, which is our established role in the family. 
It is so important to remind ourselves that we are each responsible for our own happiness and fulfillment in life.  Our actions toward this goal may trigger negative responses from family members. They may feel threatened or anxious about the upset of balance.  We must know that we can let that go and allow others to take responsibility for their own emotions.  This is the practice of healthy detachment.

May we all find the courage and inspiration to dance our own dance- one that allows us to experience happiness and fulfillment in our relationships.

 

Living a Half-Life Part 3

           Yoko Ono, Half-a-Room,1967


“Change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and gorgeous at the end.”
                                                           -  Robin Sharma

 

Now that we have looked at our primary relationship and identified those elements that do not support a sense of ‘wholeness’, let’s consider making some positive changes.  For most of us, change can feel overwhelming.  It helps to break it down into small, manageable steps.  Rather than delving into an interest/activity that we have never tried before, it might be helpful to consider something we already have knowledge of or have tried in the past.  It is important to keep in mind that the goal is not to be great at the activity, but to know that we are taking an active role in regaining our selfhood. 

Here is an example of how we might break down the goal of joining an aerobics/art/academic class:

1^st step- Do research to locate a class that works with your schedule/level of experience.

2^nd step- Write down any questions, concerns related to the class.

3^rd step- Make contact with a person.  Telephone or email the person most able to answer/address questions, concerns.

4^th step- Sleep on it.  Let your mind process the information gathered before making a decision for or against.

5^th step- If you decide to go ahead with the goal, obtain any equipment/supplies needed or anything that might help you to feel more comfortable in the situation.

6^th step- Choose a start date and mark it on a calendar or event planner.

7^th step- If possible, identify someone you trust who is supportive and non-judgemental and let him/her know of your start date.  This is someone who will hold you accountable for your decision, but not ‘beat’ you up emotionally if you are unable to follow through.

Important reminders:

At any point in the process, we can pause and decide whether we are ready to go on to the next step.

If we seem to be procrastinating or stuck on a particular step, we can break down that particular step even further. 

May we find the motivation and courage to take a small step toward regaining our selfhood and experiencing a sense of 'wholeness'.

 

 

 

LIving a Half- Life Part 2

       Yoko Ono, Half-A-Room, 1967

For many of us, struggling with codependency is a familiar way of life.  It is how we know to function in a relationship.  This makes it difficult to step outside the relationship and look in so that we might recognize challenges to our selfhood. 

Here are some questions to explore:

Do I avoid going places by myself?  If I do go somewhere by myself are my thoughts/actions directed toward the person not present?  (For example, texting, leaving voice messages)

Do I feel a sense of guilt just thinking about engaging in an activity by myself that would help me to develop a new talent, gain knowledge, learn a new skill, etc?

After I engage in an activity that fulfills my own needs/wants do I then do something for the other person as a way to ‘make up’ for taking care of myself?

Do I experience emotional discomfort/anxiety when my ideas, opinions, perspectives, contrast with the other person’s?

Have connections outside my primary relationship diminished in quality and/or quantity?

The purpose of these questions is not to beat ourselves up or to blame others.  By simply asking them, we are taking that courageous step which marks the beginning of any journey toward self-change- BECOMING SELF-AWARE.

In the next chapter, we will explore how to begin to make small changes in our relationship that support ‘wholeness’.

Living a Half-Life Part 1

Yoko Ono, Half-A-Room, 1967

For many of us struggling with codependency, the concept of ‘wholeness’ can seem unfamiliar and out of reach.  Living as a ‘whole’ person means continually working toward developing our natural talents, abilities, and interests/passions, essentially, nurturing those things that inspire/motivate us. This can be greatly hindered by our primary relationship- i.e. spouse, partner, etc.  In a codependent relationship, it is common to become so preoccupied and in-tune with the other person’s needs/wants that our own sense of self diminishes.  It is, as if, without the presence of the other person, we exist as ‘half a person’. 

When we are out with others, engaging in a creative activity, or at school/work, it can feel as if our thoughts/attention is split.  Half of our energy is directed toward what is in the here and now and the other half is preoccupied with the other person who is not present.  Others may even point out to us that it is as if we are there, but not really there.  As a result, we may then begin to limit our time spent with those outside our primary relationship.  Gradually, our primary relationship becomes our only relationship. In addition, if we are not used to doing things without the other person, then we may avoid engaging in solitary activities, thus further limiting opportunities to develop our selfhood. 

Living life as ‘half a person’ can create all kinds of uncomfortable emotions such as:

Anxiety

Guilt

Anger/Frustration

Depression

Resentment

In the next chapter, we will ask ourselves specific questions in order to fully understand how being ‘half a person’ impacts our everyday life.